Christmas Sketch 2020: Angel Voices

[As performed by four of our young people – in these pandemic times in different homes in different parts of the country. Gloria, Pax and Excelsis are three angels]

Scene 1 – A Birthday Commission

E – GLORIA: OK, so we’ve been asked by Trinity One to plan the celebration for the birth of Trinity Two on planet Earth. Any ideas?

J – PAX: It needs to be big.  Centred on Rome. I suggest a three day spectacular. Go with me on this: three days before the birth, an enormous pillar of rainbow coloured light appears above the city. This spreads covering the whole of the sky, and the words ‘He is coming’ appear.

Next day the same thing occurs only the words ‘He is nearer’ appears

And on the birth day ‘He is here’ in letters of fire covers the whole sky and all the volcanoes on earth erupt.

I – EXCELSIS: (sarcastically) I’m sure your amazing promotional talents will be put to use some time in the future, say a couple of thousand years down the line. But at present what you propose will only scare the population of earth witless as well as killing a good number of them when the volcanoes go off.

GLORIA: More to the point, the birth is not taking place in Rome and Trinity One has asked for a low key event. Also the only people who will witness our project will be a band of shepherds.

PAX: T1 has no finesse. Like, just no sense of occasion.

EXCELSIS: I shouldn’t say that too loud if I were you.

PAX: I don’t care if he hears me. I speak as I find. Anyway if it’s not happening in Rome, where is it going to be?

GLORIA: Bethlehem.

EXCELSIS: Where the hell is Bethlehem?

PAX: It’s a god forsaken hole just south of Jerusalem.

EXCELSIS: On a point of order… you can’t call it god forsaken, if it has specifically selected by T1 for the occasion.

GLORIA: Enough. We need to get this project up and running. But first of all, we need to know what we are going to do. I think T1 would like it if we came up with a celestial choir.

PAX: I’m not joining a choir.

EXCELSIS: (quietly) That’s understandable with your voice.

PAX: What did you say.

EXCELSIS: I said, it doesn’t look as though we’ve much choice.

GLORIA: Well, that’s agreed then. Now the question is: what are we going to sing?

CHERUB: Can we have ‘Away in a manger’?

GLORIA:  No. We can’t.

PAX: Who let that cherub in? Get back to your cloud

EXCELSIS: Could have been a good idea, but it won’t be written for another two thousand years.

GLORIA: We need something with class. Something like ‘Gloria in excelsis Deo et in terra pax’

EXCELSIS: And exactly how many shepherds do you think will understand Latin?

 PAX: We could sing it in Latin, but ask T3 to arrange it so everyone hears it in their language. T3 is rather good at that.

GLORIA: OK that’s enough for today. First choir rehearsal: three Earth days’ time.

Carol: Ding Dong Merrily on High

Scene 2 – A Heavenly Pandemic

GLORIA: What a disaster.

PAX: God knows why T1 created viruses.

EXCELSIS: Precisely, God knows, and that’s that. But it has blown a hole in our plans, now that the whole of heaven is in lockdown.

GLORIA: Well although we are all locked down on our own cloud, at least we can all meet to discuss things. Thanks to T3’s fantastic ‘Spirit Opens Our Minds’ system or Soom as it’s called. So what do we do? Somehow we have to prevent a bunch of shepherds from getting the virus and releasing a pandemic.

PAX: No option. We have to cancel. I was against a choir anyway.

EXCELSIS: It’s too late to cancel. Mary’s pregnant and I don’t think opting for a termination is going to go down very well.

GLORIA: Added to which, the three wise men left Persia a month ago, and switching off the star will leave them stranded in the middle of the Arabian Desert.

PAX: So your bright idea is, the ‘multitude of the heavenly host’ will be singing ‘Glory to God in the highest’ whilst being socially distanced and wearing face masks.

EXCELSIS: She has a point you know. Perhaps her idea of a festival of light, minus the volcanoes and ‘He is coming’ bits of course, was not such a bad idea.

PAX: Well, thanks for nothing.

GLORIA: We could dispense with the choir….

PAX: (interrupting) Sense at last.

GLORIA: (continuing) …..and go with, say, a trio, separated from the shepherds by a transparent screen.

PAX: I am not singing in a trio and that is that.

EXCELSIS: Yeah, that would be hell.

PAX: What did you say?

EXCELSIS: I said “Why not? You sing so well.”

GLORIA: We could up it to a sextet but with so few voices, singing the Gloria would sound ridiculous.

CHERUB: Can you sing ‘Once in Royal David’s city’.

GLORIA, PAX, EXCELSIS : Get out!

PAX: And what about the front guy? She has to stand with the shepherds. Remember ‘And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them’. She has to be standing right in the midst of them. What’s she going to say to them “Fear not I bring you a hefty dose of virus, which will be to you and all mankind?”

EXCELSIS: No need for sarcasm. We could could give her a visor and she could carry a board with the message written on it.

PAX: You mean a more positive version of ‘Beware the wrath to come.’ Most people ignore anyone carrying a placard.

GLORIA: We’re not getting anywhere. We’ll meet again in two days and let’s hope for some good news.

Carol: Shepherds in the fields abiding

Scene 3 – A New Heaven and a New Earth

 GLORIA: Hey you angelic dudes! Good news. They’ve got a vaccine. 95% effective after just two days. Gives us three days before the big night in order to rehearse the choir.

PAX: If the choir’s still on, that’s not good news.

EXCELSIS: Bad news. There is a vaccine but it’s been discovered and made in the other place.

GLORIA: You mean ‘down below’ beat us to it?

PAX: Well it was inevitable really. T1 should have been more forgiving to all those scientific types.  Giving them all that sulphur and burning coals, and letting them carry out all sorts of experiments on each other, it was downright incompetence. What this place needs, is a good shake up.

EXCELSIS: Your mouth will get you into big trouble, if you’re not careful.

PAX: I speak as I find.

EXCELSIS: Yeah, that’s what I mean.

 GLORIA: Shut up. There’s some breaking news coming through. Apparently there are negotiations taking place between T1 and Satan.  The gist of it is, they will provide us with the vaccine if T1 will allow the people down below to mix with members of their households who are up here for the five days of the celebrations.

PAX: First sensible idea I’ve heard. They ought to make that arrangement permanent.

EXCELSIS: So back to singing.

CHERUB: Can you sing little donkey?

GLORIA, PAX, EXCELSIS: Get out!

CHERUB: I want a Carol.

Carole: Here I am my love. Aunty Carole’s here.

Narrator:  That’s it folks. It’s time to stop when we start repeating last year’s jokes.

Carol: While Shepherds watched…

Epilogue

Our play is ended

The story has been a little bended:

A birth was coming for all nations

And angels planned the celebrations

 

But Gloria was keen on choirs

While Pax was hoping for more fires

As she planned something quite fantastic

Excelsis was somewhat sarcastic

 

Pax thought that Rome would be selected

Where power and warfare intersected

Bethlehem’s not what they expected

But God has chosen the neglected

 

Hey says the cherub, Heynona Ho

Christmassy Angels, what do you know?

 

The angels thought they had it sorted

But their initial plans were thwarted

Five days before this birth desirous

Heaven’s infected with a virus

 

And now the problem of existence

Is keeping greater social distance

The shepherds cannot bring their flock down

If heaven’s breaking out of lockdown

 

Wise men would need a course correction

If guiding stars caught the infection

Cherubs would sit in online scho-ol

And heavenly hosts run out of fu-el.

 

Hey says the cherub, Heynona Ho

Christmassy Angels, what do you know?

 

The angels sit and watch a black screen

When news comes in about a vaccine

And though it’s made somewhere belo-ow

The news sets seraphim aglo-ow.

 

The angels have been quite angelic

But now they’re turning psychedelic

They have some far pleasanter tasks now

They can take off those tiring masks now

 

They’re looking on to 2020

And Trump is gone – four years was plenty.

And turbines turn and neighbours natter

And people see that Black Lives Matter.

And hope stands where there was a statue

And hope’s alive and looking at you.

 

Hey says the cherub, Heynona Ho

Christmassy Angels, what do you know?

 

Our thoughts roll on to Christmas Day

A different time, a different play.

Both very young and long of tooth –

We’ve taken liberties with the truth.

To peer ahead seems quite enough –

The play’s the thing, when hope is tough.

And so we know you would have missed us –

And so we wish you Merry Christmas.